Kake

It's been a difficult start to the year for me.

Back when I moved into my current flat in 2020, I made friends with the neighbour who lived three doors to my left. Part of it was probably that we were some of the youngest people in the building - she was just a few years older than me. In many ways, she was everything I'm not - loud and easy-going and good with people, but also - I realised after a while - good at talking a lot and not sharing much of her real self. I didn't really get to know her until we started hanging out together. I'd go over to her place just to sit and talk for a couple of hours, or she'd sometimes come here. She had a lot of health issues, though, so over the last year or so I felt like we saw each other less simply because she couldn't deal with the same amount of activity or being around people as before.

Still... she became something I'd never had in my life before - a neighbour who was also a friend. Someone I trusted and could talk to and who'd call me if she didn't see me go out for a couple of days, or who'd instinctively check the lock on my front door when she knew I would be away for some days.

Well... she was found dead in her flat one of the first days of the year.

The police have closed off the flat, so even her family aren't allowed to go inside. Apparently, they're waiting for the autopsy report before they'll be allowed to proceed with anything else. I feel sorry for her two daughters and for the friends who were closer to her than I was. But I'm still feeling the emptiness, too. It feels so wrong to pass by her flat and look at the police tape, knowing that she won't be in there anymore. I also feel the lack of her presence where she used to often be - passing by outside, or even poking her head in through my door when I had it open for airing out my flat, or while being on my way in or out.

Even today, I've done absolutely nothing. Slept until late, dragged myself out of bed to eat a little, then slept again. It's now about 7:30pm, and this is the first time today in which I feel reasonably alert and not just completely empty and drained inside. Of course I've not been like this every day since learning of what happened to her, but I guess it's at least part of why I got such a reaction today.